People are always asking me how I got to be good with women. Most of my friends remember me as being kinda socially awkward. I mean, I had a few girlfriends, but I always felt like I was luck to have them. It was really just a numbers game and I got lucky and would get a girlfriend for a while, but I was certainly not calling the shots.
Christian Hudson makes the girlfriend activation system, some know it as GAS:
He also is seen speaking here:
Fast forward a few years and people who used to know the old me, are shocked when they see my social circle and the women I am around (usually dating a few of them at a time even).
And I always get the question, man what happened – how did you become this cool guy with all these cool friend and attractive women?
The answer is simple, I met a guy in NYC named Christian Hudson. We met via a boot camp he was putting on with his company the social man.
The first step to intimacy with a woman involves building attraction and often some form of touching needs to happen to stimulate that.
Sure, a guy can build attraction with his physical looks and swagger and general charisma and personality, but at some point that is not going to be enough. At some point, a guy just has to touch a girl.
Surprisingly many men have a problem with this.
Watch this video here:
They either are terrified to do so or they do it blithely without thinking about it and whether they are doing it in a way that builds or hinders attraction.
Like many areas of dating, this is an area where a little bit of information and knowledge can go a very long way.
There is a type of touch called Kino. This is the most frequently talked about touch in the dating arena. It basically specifies a way to touch a girl to build both comfort and attraction. These are two necessary cornerstones that lead to intimacy or a deeper relationship. In one way, you could say that Kino makes a girl comfortable with a guy touching her.
In addition, Kino usually spells out how, where and when to touch a girl.
A bit of knowledge of Kino will stop a clueless guy from grabbing a girl the wrong way – the first time he touches her body. Don’t laugh. It happens.
Kino is also a process of escalation. The way and frequency and firmness of touch starts lightly and simply and then builds.
So, the first step in Kino might be as simple as shaking hands for hello. Or a light hug. Or even a very, very brief and whisper soft kiss on the cheek.
Here is a tip I learned from my friend Christian Hudson: When you touch a girl for the first time, use a light touch on her back while passing her in a crowded room or if you are maneuvering the two of you through a crowd or crossing a street or entering a doorway. It is natural, non-threatening and effective.
For some people that first touch is almost insurmountable because they have placed so much pressure on themselves in their own mind. In that case, it might be better to shoot for the most neutral, nonsexual touch there is, such as a High Five. Or bumping fists.
For braver men, more comfortable with touching, a light grabbing of the fingers is nice. The man can causally, even in a goofy way, walk his fingers over to her hand if her hand is resting on a surface and then tickle her or play with her hand for a few minutes.
The masters at touching women, who have zero fear, will even lightly rub a finger on the woman’s palm for a few seconds.
One reason touching a woman can be so intimidating to so many men is that men in general are not super comfortable with touching another person. At least American men. It’s a little bit societal. For instance, most French men will kiss their male friends on each cheek and still ooze machismo.
But for most men, it would be helpful to learn how and when and where to touch a woman. With a little bit of information, a guy who knows about kino will be ahead of the game.
Learning what makes a girl smile is a key strategy in today’s dating arena. If you don’t know how to, you might as well hang it up. That’s how important it is.
The fastest way to make a girl smile is to compliment her. But this is still a tricky business. Complimenting a girl on her looks is usually the laziest way to go about it and often doesn’t elicit a smile at all. Why?
She’s sick of hearing someone praise her for something she really did nothing about. She was born attractive and so complimenting her on her looks is pretty much a bore. Plus, every other guy out there has done the same thing.
By complimenting her on how she looks, a guy is basically becoming an anonymous face in the crowd.
However, if a guy compliments her on an aspect of her look that implies some effort on her part, such as matching her scarf color to her eyes, then that is a whole different story.
Or, say you might want to compliment her on the outfit she is wearing and tell her that you love when a girl wears a dress and high heels and that you feel too many girls don’t do that anymore. That is something unique about her. That is complimenting her on something she did, not something that exists.
By recognizing and acknowledging something she did, you have a much better chance at garnering a smile.
But if you are looking for other ways, you can also do one of the simplest techniques. It is so simple in fact that most guys forget about it: Smile at her. If your smile is genuine, nine times out of ten a girl will smile right back at you. It’s human nature.
A third way takes a little more finesse. If you have the ability to make someone laugh, that will be a great technique. Not every girl will think you are funny, however, so this is a little bit trickier.
Learning this skill does take some trial and error. Sometimes a nice way is to tell a borderline spooky story and then add a punch line at the end that makes her jump. She will smile at you.
Sometimes you can make girls smile simply by showing that you are a fun guy out there having fun. This can work wonders. If you are enjoying life that sometimes is all it takes to bring a smile onto a girl’s face.
I remember a friend from college who would drive around Southern California in his Jeep with the top off and smile and sing to the radio. Every time a girl noticed him she would smile. His joy for life was contagious.
More From The Web: When Do Babies Smile?
There is so much misinformation out there on the Internet, especially from guys that are PUAs-in-training who are obsessed with something called the kiss close.
It’s really funny.
I did a boot camp a couple weeks ago and I had a guy there that went through a PUA boot camp before mine. He said that one of the things that amazed him was seeing one of the instructors make out with random women in a nightclub after only a few minutes of talking to her.
I asked why that impressed him. He looked at me and said that having the ability to do that is amazing. I told him that making out with a chick in bar is not impressive at all.
I spent seven years in the bar business and I know what type of women will make out with a guy instantly in a bar. Usually she is drunk and usually you are not the first guy she has made out with.
You heard me.
When I was bartending, I used to go to the bathroom during my break and the bathroom door would be locked. I would knock and say, “Bartender needs the bathroom.” Out would walk a girl—usually the bar slut—followed by a dude with a big smile on his face, thinking that he actually seduced her.
Here’s the deal guys: girls that will just make out with you for the sake of making out with you after knowing you for 30 or 45 seconds, usually are either disease carriers, sluts, or just girls that have low self-esteem.
I am not at all interested in making out with some random woman. A kiss is all about teasing. When you kiss-close a woman—as they call it in PUA land—you most likely are never going to see her again.
I am a man that is in full control of who I am and full control of what I am about.
When I meet a woman and we go out on a date, I am not even thinking about the kiss. All I am thinking about is how I am going to tease her with words—and I am not talking about sexual words! I am talking about listening to what she has to say, reacting to what she has to say, and having a great conversation.
I don’t believe in going for the kiss-close at the end of a first date.
I will give her a hug and smile, and linger for a second. I want to make her earn my kiss. I want her to know that I am 100% in control and I am going to take her down a journey where she is going to give up a lot more than a kiss in the end.
That is what it is all about: taking her down a journey and not just trying to close.
So the next time you are impressed with a dude that is making out with a girl in a bar, just look around the room and try to figure out whose dick that guy is actually making out with.
The most important thing a guy can do to get a girl to like him is to be the best man he can be. I don’t think many men get this concept. If you really want to attract the cream of the crop you have to be sure you’re not offering the chaff of the wheat.
Right away, you need to do a little bit of introspective self analysis first. One of the best ways to do this is to set aside several hours to yourself. Buy a notebook, hole up in your apartment, and take a good look at where you are at in your life and then compare that to where you want to be.
One great way to do this is to list your top five values (I learned this from my friend here). For instance, in my case, they might be family, health, freedom, independence, and creativity. These are my five values, only, yours could be quite different. Once you list your values, the next step in your journey to becoming the type of guy girls like is to then make a list of how you spend the majority of your time and money.
Now put the two lists side by side. Are you spending the majority of your money toward family, health, freedom, and so on (whatever is on your list of top five values)? If not, then now is the time to make that adjustment.
If health is one of your top five values and you are spending a good deal of money and time eating at fast food restaurants or typical bar food, those two items just don’t align. If you want to be the best man you can be – and you better be working toward that if you want to know how to get a girl to like you, then those better be squared up. However, if instead of health one of your top five values is social life, then eating at the bar every night is not necessarily a big conflict with your values.
If you can, list all your activities. This list might include, walking the dog, playing video games, watching television, working out, playing tennis, reading books, attending theater and so on. We each are only allotted a specific amount of time in our days and our lives so ensure that you are spending your time in a meaningful way that matches your five values.
If you want to be a rock star, sitting around watching sitcoms is not going to get you there. It is also going to make you feel out of whack because you are not spending your time and energy doing what is important to you.
So if you really want to be successful at this, then the first thing you need to work on is becoming the best man you can be. Making sure your energy, time, and money are going toward what is most important to you in life is the first step to getting there.
It seems like the only reason that pick up artists get a bad rap is completely due to people who have a misconception of what it is to be PUA spreading false information around.
So, What Is A PUA? A true pick up artist – or PUA – is one of two things. It is either a guy who teaches other men how to realize their best self so they can be successful in meeting women or it is the guy who is trying to learn how to be his best self.
That’s it. Maybe one way to explain What Is A PUA is to talk about what he isn’t. A true PUA is not a guy who is out to use and hurt women. He is not a man who lies or acts dishonest in any way. A PUA is not the guy who hates women.
A true PUA is a guy who loves women and wants to bring either that one amazing woman into his life or wants to have many wonderful women in his world. It is a guy who respects women and wants to offer them the best he has. He wants for the woman to enjoy her time with him as much as he enjoys time with her.
What Is A PUA? A guy who is honest about where each one of his relationships stands without hurting someone. For instance, if a girl dating a PUA wants to know if he is exclusive with her and he isn’t, rather than being brutally honest and telling her she is one of a dozen girls he dates, he needs to admit that he does date other women, but also let her know – honestly – that she is special or he wouldn’t be dating her. Because the fact is a PUA is also choosy about the women he dates. He doesn’t date someone just to say he is. He has enough skills and self-confidence that he truly enjoys and appreciates the qualities of the women he does choose to date. If that changes, then he gracefully and tactfully moves on without crushing someone and having never led the girl on.
If you really want to know What Is A PUA, you can just take a look at the guys in the seduction community who raised money to help in the fight to cure breast cancer. Within minutes of being asked for help, dozens of guys dropped hundreds of dollars toward the cure. That is a true PUA.
A true PUA likes himself enough that he is able to truly appreciate others in his life. He is charismatic because people wonder What Is A PUA and can’t quite put their finger on what it is he has that other people don’t have.
But here’s a little secret, what he has is respect for himself and respect for others and in the long run, this is what makes him stand out from the crowd and this is what makes him so incredibly successful with women.
The very first rule in texting a girl is simple – keep it short and sweet.
It seems more guys get into trouble and end up looking like a doofus by writing a long, rambling – and worst off – boring text.
Texting is about keeping it concise and interesting. If you want to text girls the right way, you’d be wise to do a little bit of research. IF you think it’s as simple as talking on the phone or even sending emails, you are wrong.
The skills behind doing this right involve a small dose of creativity and a dash of witty. I don’t care how uneventful and boring your life really is – don’t you even for a second let on to a girl that it is like this. At the same time, you are doing yourself a disservice if a girl asks you what’s up and you respond “nothing.”
This is bad.
Always, and I do mean always, be doing something exciting. Don’t lie, but it’s OK to exaggerate a bit.
If you are at a boring party with friends, please don’t tell her that. Text her that you are “chillin at a shindig” or something.
The key to being successful is to provide just enough information to pique her interest. Remain a bit mysterious. You don’t have to tell her that the party is really just your neighbor across the hall and her roommate serving you chips and a warm beer. No way.
Sometimes too much information is the worst possible thing you can do to thwart your ability and skills. For instance, you don’t want a long drawn out description of your day and what is going on in your life to be sent by text.
Think of it this way – a text is a small, simple, catchy phrase at its longest. It’s a way to touch base in a nonthreatening way as well. If I’m at a ballgame and I want a girl to know I’m thinking about her, I will send a simple text such as “At Yankees Game. Woot!”
That’s it. When I think about the times I was successful at making girls interested in me over text, I try to just let her in on some fun I’m having or some witty observation I’ve made. It’s pretty simple once you get into the groove of doing it. In a way, it’s sort of looking at your life and what you are doing in an observational way. It is actually kind of fun to do it. Sometimes we think our lives are routine and boring and when we take a step back and look at them, we realize we have a lot more going on then we think.
So remember – even if you are unsure what to text you probably can’t go wrong if you keep it short and sweet and simple. Witty and clever, can’t hurt, but if that is not your personality, don’t worry, it won’t be a deal breaker. Long, rambling, boring texts, however, just might be.
The best, most successful flirt is the one who does it in such a way that the girl can’t tell if he’s just naturally that charming or if he is singling her out in particular. The beauty of this technique is it keeps the mystery alive and keeps the girl guessing. After all, we all want what we can’t have, so don’t let her know right away that you would be play dough in her hands.
When you look at the best techniques out there teaching men about this, you might realize that many of them have one thing in common – subtlety. Flirting does not mean walking up to a girl and telling her how beautiful she is and how attracted to her you are. Boring. Unless she’s extremely unattractive, she’s probably heard this about a million times.
The secret is less about her and more about you. It’s about exuding self-confidence and giving the unmistakable impression that you are worth getting to know. It is about looking at her like you are a man and she is a woman, but it’s not about falling all over her with flattery.
Some guys just don’t get that distinction. The ability to project that you are a man and she is a woman and that it is natural to have an attraction is one of the key skills you can work on if you want to learn this. It takes some self-confidence, but remember that much of this can be learned. You need to remember the old adage – fake it till you make it. It truly can be like a switch you turn on in your brain when you go out. You flip the switch and tell yourself – I’m a great, sexy guy that any girl would be lucky to hang out with. It’s really, really that easy.
If you really want to be good, I dare you to try this technique. It has opened more doors than I could possibly tell you about. You can even do it seconds before you walk into a room and tell yourself, “I’m going to walk in that room like I’m all that and a bag of chips” and then observe the results. I guarantee if you really are thinking this and really believe it, even for only a ten-minute stretch, you will be amazed at the results.
I’ve done a few nonscientific experiments this way. I’ve walked into a crowd one-way, feeling a big insecure and shy and walked from one end of the room to another noting how everyone is reacting to me. Then I’ve left for about thirty minutes, come back with a swagger, so to speak, and walked through that same room, again, gauging the effects. Remarkable. Remember it’s not about her. It’s not about what you say to her – it’s about what you say to yourself.
The best way to learn how to bring amazing women into your life is to develop the ability to talk to anyone at anytime. If you can walk up to someone – young, old, beautiful, plain, crabby, or friendly – and initiate a conversation, you are halfway there.
So, the first thing you need to practice is being sociable to everyone everywhere. If you can develop the ability to initiate a conversation with anyone you come across, you will find that you are confident when you see a woman you would like to meet.
What tends to happen is that we are not used to approaching strangers and talking and that makes it a bit awkward when we walk up to an amazing looking woman and try to introduce ourselves.
The ability to strike up a conversation at any time does not come naturally to most of us. But it is a skill that can be learned. You can learn how to do this in several different ways. The easiest and cheapest – although most time consuming – way to develop this skill is to practice it every opportunity you get.
But if that seems a bit intimidating at first, you can boost your skill set in other ways. For instance, you can enroll in a community college course on communication, such as interpersonal communication skills. Or you can join a group that requires you to speak to strangers. For instance, if you are an environmentalist, I’m sure there are any number of organizations that would appreciate your volunteer services and would ask you to speak to strangers about the organization. (By the way, as a side benefit, you might meet women with similar values very easily this way.)
Another way to improve your social skills is by joining a group that actually works on public speaking, such as Toastmasters. This will teach you to sound confident and sure when you do approach a woman with the intention of meeting her.
Once you have honed your conversational skills it will automatically make you seem like an expert because going up to and talking to strangers will be second nature to you. It will be no big deal. You will not think twice about doing it and it will make you appear more confident than you could imagine.
So remember the key to meeting women is to develop – through practice – or formal instruction – enough skill at striking up conversations that when you do approach an amazing woman, all she will see is confidence and self assuredness and there is everything appealing and attractive about that.